Dear Fam ✨,
I’ll be honest: I don’t “get” fiction. Telling made-up stories of things that never even happened? Like, what? You could be offering real value to your readers—by summarizing other people’s ideas about cryptocurrency, for example—instead of just writing pretend stories about fake people.
But there is one genre of fiction that I do understand: smut. Unlike other forms of fiction, smut has a clear value proposition: it makes your dick hard or your pussy wet. That’s why it makes so much money. So if you want a reliable income as a fiction writer, there is no more reliable method than writing self-published ebooks about people plowing, slamming, and thundering into one another. Don’t believe me? Check out Chuck Tingle. I can only hope to be as successful as Chuck someday.
But how do you even write sex that really gets your reader going? Turns out, it’s actually hard. I’ve been reading some smut—for research purposes—and to be honest, a lot of it is pretty bad. (Like, cringe alert! 🚨)
So in today’s post, I’m going to write a few tips for you if you’re interested in writing some smut of your own. Then, I’m going to include a super-hot 🥵 sample sex scene that I am including in my upcoming erotic novel, Gertrude Takes the Plunge: A Sexy Plumber Story. Available on Amazon soon! 🔥
1. Never say “Dick” or “Pussy.” 🚫
Readers want creativity. Why say “dick” when you can say “UGM-133 Trident II Ballistic Missile,” “Ye Earle of Shaftesbury,” “that horrible flesh stalactite” (or, depending on the position of the man, “flesh stalagmite”), “little Michel Foucault with no glasses but also with a slit on top of his head,” or “sperm-shootin’ dangly-do”?
And let’s face it: “pussy” is old news. Try “that horrible foldy clam thing,” “canal of tenderness,” “ye olde infante’s hallwaye,” or “ecstasy-pocket.”
2. Make the man call the woman some horrible nickname. 🫦
In the world of smut, people never call each other by name. They use pet names. But not normal ones like “honey”—the man is always calling the woman something weird and pedophilic. “Princess,” “baby-girl,” “cum-angel,” that sort of thing. She, of course, will call him “daddy,” and if you think there’s anything weird about that, you can turn in your feminist card now, because you shouldn’t police women’s desires.
3. Make sure your characters have weird, long conversations in the middle of sex. 💬
There’s no way your readers are going to sit through another page of your wooden, turgid dialogue. (They will, however, sit through a page of something else that’s wooden and turgid, if you know what I mean [for example, a penis].) So, the next time you’re writing a scene and the narrative energy just isn’t there, make the two characters have sex with each other!
Now onto a sample scene. The original version of this scene, believe it or not, didn’t have any sex in it! The scene was really boring, but it had to be there, because the fact that the plumber incorrectly calculates the sales tax on Gertrude’s bill is very important to the plot. So, to make things more interesting, I added some hot, hot sex.
Sample Smut Scene ❤️🔥
The plumber wiped the sweat off of his forehead and groaned. “There’s shit fucking everywhere,” he moaned.
Gertrude blushed deeply. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’ve been eating a lot of Panda Express.”
“What?” said the plumber.
“I’ve been eating a lot of Panda Express.”
“Oh.”
And then suddenly his hands were on her body and his big fat tongue was in her mouth. Gertrude could taste chewing tobacco, old coffee, and an unmistakeable whiff of Chicken McNuggets. “Do you want to be my cum princess?” he groaned. “Sexy babies get free plumbing.”
Her foldy clam thing was dripping. “Do I still have to pay for parts?” she said, gripping his stinking rod, which stiffened in the brisk night air.
“Yeah,” he breathed, slamming her poontang with his disco stick. “I can’t just give you free stuff. My boss would get really upset.”
Her box was clenching on his fuck-pepperoni, slickening the shaft with her milky juices.
“Okay. How much is it?” she moaned.
He pulled out his phone to calculate the sales tax as she exploded like a shaken-up champagne bottle, quivering as shockwaves of pleasure pounded through her nervous system, limbic system, and digestive system. Also her muscular system. (Her endocrine, skeletal, and integumentary systems were relatively unaffected.)
“Aaaaahhh!” she said. “Good Heavens!”
“Sales tax would bring it up to $296.84,” he said. “But first, I have some business to finish.”
He started really whanging on her, plunging in and out like a machine of some kind. He was like an oil derrick. He was like those bird perpetual motion machine things. The motions were rhythmic and repetitive.
And then, like a water balloon filled with Elmer’s glue where you didn’t tie the opening up, but you put the water balloon on the floor and then stomped on it, causing the Elmer’s Glue to shoot out of the balloon’s opening, his fatherstuff shot out of the tip of his wang. It ricocheted off the walls and landed with a plop on the floor.
“Jesus Christ,” he said, with a low, greasy belch. “I’ll grab the mop.”
…See? With just a few simple tricks, you can write amazing smut scenes that leave your readers weak in the knees! And, most importantly, that keep your cash-flow going!
With love,
Em 🥰
If not sure is it okay to write…..he put his thingy-ma- bob in her what’s-it….asking for a friend
...i find it useful also to add a preamble to these scenes where you let the readers know through some third person narrative that "there is about to be some boning going on" or "you are now entering the bone zone"...it adds good suspense...speaking of suspense, are they both going to have sex with the mop?...